Rejection hurts. We hate it. It’s to be avoided. But why? Why is rejection so painful? We’ve all experienced rejection in one form or another. Consider the following situations: not being called on in class; not being chosen to play on teams; rejected for a date; rejected by college admissions; rejected by a club; not being hired for a job. You get the idea.
Everyone endures rejection to some extent or another. It’s part of the human condition. But, how many people have taken the time to study rejection, or more to the point, why they were rejected? To better understand the fear of rejection, I went to YouTube to research the issue. I was surprised to find a large amount of material on the subject.
Marissa Peer says that human beings have an intense need to be connected. “We have a strong need for acceptance. It is part of our genetic composition. Affiliation with the tribe or the clan was our means of survival. Fear of rejection is about breaking the bonds we depend upon for survival. Connection equals survival. You need the group to watch your back. That is why banishment was considered punishment worse than death.”
Of course, the kind of rejection we encounter is not so drastic. I am thinking about rejection related to job search or finding work. My focus on rejection is related to the risk of losing one’s livelihood, a threat to our economic survival.
The fear of speaking in public is the fear of rejection. The Stockholm syndrome is another example which demonstrates our need for affiliation. Hostages would rather conform to their captors’ values than to risk disconnection entirely. We have an intense need for acceptance, human beings are very fragile in this respect.
Jia Jang spoke to his fear of rejection affecting his career. To understand and control this fear, he set out to experience 100 days of rejection. His goal was to desensitize himself from the pain of rejection and overcome his fear. He learned that the magic word is ‘why’? Asking ‘why’ began a dialog that improved his understanding. If you can know why you were rejected you may come to learn that rejection isn’t personal. If you were rejected for a certain situation, there is nothing preventing you from inquiring about another opportunity Or, you could ask for a referral. Beginning a dialog creates an opportunity to address the doubt. Jang reminds us to “consider that people who changed the world did not let rejection define themselves. They overcame it.” His inquiry led to his book, “Beat Fear and Become Invincible.”
Laurie Petrou says, “change the paradigm.” She suggests that one should aim for a goal of 100 rejections a year. “Turn the paradigm on its head,” Ms. Petrou says, “it’s like going to the gym, work off fat and increase muscle mass. Consider rejection as a critique, not just criticism. Don’t reject rejection, as your best work won’t get better.”
“Rejection is the rungs on the ladder to success. The more you face rejection, the better you become immunized to its effect.”
I am reminded of an interview with an insurance company salesman who said he loved rejection as it put him one step closer to success. That was back when you could use your telephone to make cold calls. It was called ‘dialing for dollars.’ Cold calling via telephone was still prevalent when I began my career as an Executive Recruiter. It was very easy to reject the caller. Just hang up. Cold calls are archaic, they don’t work so well anymore. In the days of caller ID and call-blocking, people don’t answer the phone for unrecognized callers. That is why we have voice mail. But, in those days it was a numbers game. Everyone knew that for every 10 or 20 phone calls, you could generate one viable prospect leading to a sale. So, my interviewer knew that if he just kept calling, eventually he would talk with a viable prospect. That paradigm got him past the pain of the rejection he had to endure.
Unless you develop a strategy to nullify the pain of rejection, success will prove to be difficult. Remember it isn’t personal. Consider rejection a gift that you do not wish to take. No one can hurt you unless you let them.
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Jim Weber, Managing Partner
Author of: Fighting Alligators: Job Search Strategy For The New Normal
Current Assignments
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