“My professional team and I are connected through a common alignment of goals to serve the client and its members. My personal team of connections on dating apps has a common alignment of goals and the willingness to share a bit of ourselves in the journey of life to serve each other.“ A direct quote from my friend Faith.

I have argued that a successful search begins with a plan. Finding a life partner requires a plan too. In reality, however, even before developing a plan, one must begin with a winning attitude. Success requires a positive, optimistic, yet realistic outlook. One must be confident that the search will be successful in a reasonable period of time. And, you must pursue your search with integrity. Confidence is the key to a winning attitude. You must believe in your skills and capabilities. You must believe in yourself.

A lack of confidence cannot be disguised, and it will be fatal. I am certain that you have had experience with people who were unconvincing. You did not believe they could deliver on their claims. Their presentation did not ring true, and their body language was not congruent. Whatever they were selling, they failed to close the deal. Confidence comes from experience. The more experience one has networking, or dating, the more skillful one becomes. Networking forces us out of our comfort zone. It is challenging for some. With practice, you will perfect your message and gain needed information. You learn to listen for cues, clues, and signals to help evaluate options. You learn how to communicate your goals and capabilities in a way that resonates with others. You learn how and when to present information that may not be flattering. You learn how to maintain your composure with grace and professionalism. You learn to express interest without looking desperate. You learn that a little mystery enhances interest. Your experience builds confidence which captivates the other party.

I have been amused by stories friends have told about their first meetings. All too often, the other person’s physical description and photograph were outdated, with little resemblance to the current reality. Of course, it wasn’t amusing to my friends. No one likes wasting time and energy on a fantasy. Integrity; consistent, honest, ethical behavior, is the backbone of your efforts. An accurate presentation of your background and accomplishments is expected. A current photo is required, when dating. Outdated photographs are viewed as deceptive, a major turnoff. Inaccurate embellishments and outright lies will be discovered. Honesty is always the best policy.

Making a good physical presentation at the first personal meeting will determine if the process will move forward. Appropriate attire and grooming is a good place to start. Appropriate means matching the norms of the employer, or situation. I am reminded of something my mother often told me. She said, “You won’t be viewed negatively if you are over-dressed, but you will be if you are under-dressed.” That advice has served me well. One must be well versed in etiquette to behave according to expectations. Your communication skills are being evaluated as you are evaluating the other party. Are you a likeable person? Do people enjoy your company? If you are not a friendly, likeable person it will be difficult finding an appropriate job, or mate. Be likeable. People like to date, and work with people they like.

There will be setbacks along the way. Disappointment is a part of the process. One must have coping skills to work through the rough spots. One of the best coping skills is to build a large list of  prospects. If one or two prospects fall out, you will still have ample targets to pursue.  Remember, search is a numbers game. Think of a funnel, as a metaphor for the process. A funnel is broad at the top and narrow at the bottom. Target a large, but reasonable number of employers for consideration at the beginning of your search. Then work the process so that, hopefully, you will have two or three finalists to choose from. Start with a lot of participants (play the field) and work them through your process until only one is left standing.  Job search and Mate-search begins with the right attitude and confidence in your skills. If you lack confidence and do not present a winning attitude, your search will be prolonged until you make the necessary changes.

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Jim Weber, President
New Century Dynamics Executive Search
Author of: Fighting Alligators: Job Search Strategy For The New Normal

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